On Humbleness

ASSALAMU`ALAIKUM WARAHMATULLAH

Morning. Alhamdulillah (thank God) I think I have found the right 'me'. I mean, as a blogger, one may in pursuit of searching his/her true self. I bet my pursuit is really going quite progressive, my spiritual marathon is running out of land *clap hands*. But then, lets not put hope too much upon this new discovery, and secure ourselves off the safe zone, for that'd be, equally paradoxic to being in a war zone.

This is Engelbert Humperdincks at his golden era. He's the singer for the song I've installed to this blog :)

Over and over again in life we found ourselves sandwiched between the nature proud and the demanding sense of humbleness. As a Muslim, being extremely proud to myself for all the good things I've done is a grave sin (namely 'ujub' or 'riya'). In fact it is the nearest act to blasphemy. Well, how can we conciliate these two: nature and God's order?

I had this question boggled me about a year or so. Every time I wanted to do something good, there was this feeling which held me from doing it. I would argue for minutes, even up to hours in monological manner. One side of me said, "Don't you afraid of being prideful whence being good?" whilst the other side suggested, "Just do it, you won't be prideful. Trust me!". Well, you could imagine how hectic my mind was; confused between which is divine and which demonic.

That explains why I was a very silent, inactive student in my former schools. I though all good acts will lead to self-eccentricity. All activities that can set my personality ablaze will cost me the humbleness I've been keeping for such a long time. I enjoyed myself either as a forced and lone actor or a mere audience. 

I often prefer anonymity 

Critics were incessant, of course. My friends mocked me endlessly at my  in-activeness in all school's activity. I often walked whilst hearing people talking right behind my ears, about my hermaphroditic stature: a loser (people are still thinking about me the very same way, though. I can see that). I barely reacted to all those bad thoughts with their bad, stinking mouths. "God'll punish them", I whispered. In solemn world I lived, back then.

Not long after, difficulties struck me. My innate suddenly broke loose, struggling to make appearance before those of around me. Something was shrieking deep inside, as if saying, "Get out there Yassin, and show yourself!". Of course, as a humble person with ultraconservative behaviour I managed to defend myself from those inner riots. But not for long. Soon after, I found myself stuck in one of the hardest question in my life. A question which begged my faith towards God to surrender: "If God asks us to do good things, why did He Insert this nature of pride within me?". Subhanallah~

I cling so much onto this

God Loves me, He gave the answer via an unexpected way: a normal reading substance. I was just lounging through the pages when suddenly I stumbled upon a beautiful quote, by Saidina Ali Karamallahu Wajhah r.a. He said, "Whosoever not doing good things due to their fear of being 'riyak' (prideful), is being 'riyak'...". :-|| I turned speechless.

Days passed, but the supreme inferiority I felt (and still can feel, until now) towards God's way in motivating me left a large caldera within. From that moment, I have always striving to destroy the seemingly unfathomable contradiction. I asked advice from those I think have strong confidence (Wawan, NadJoliey, Nisar Khan, ZJ, Sifu Bugis). 

Ahahaha~thank you for reading mine life story. If you skipped all the exaggerating paragraphs, no worry. I do understand. And before I end this, I wanna share something from my akhi far from Pakistan: